Apple Goes Thermonuclear On Themselves

Cupertino, CA- In an unprecedented move Monday, Apple announced that it is suing itself for patent infringement.

“We looked at our operations and it was clear we were violating our own intellectual property, so we are being very aggressive in our actions” said Bruce Sewell, Apple’s General Counsel and Senior Vice President of Business and Government affairs. “As soon as we uncovered the first stone, it was clear this would be monumental. We are basically going thermonuclear on ourselves because there is no one else left to sue.”

Sources say it was during the preparation for the launch of the iWatch when Apple began considering suing themselves. Apparently Apple has violated every one of their own patents going back to the early days of the company.

(carl icahn thinks the lawsuit is brilliant)

(carl icahn thinks the lawsuit is brilliant)

“It would have been nice for Tim to disclose this to me in our call” said legendary investor Carl Icahn “he said he was going to innovate innovation, but I didn’t know this is what he had up his sleeve. It’s quite brilliant, actually”.

(tim cook is innovating innovation)

(tim cook is innovating innovation)

The lawsuit was filed in Federal Court and covers every employee and every office under the Apple umbrella, totalling tens of thousands of individuals and hundreds of sites and actvities, including the deceased Jobs who was the worst offender according to Sewell.

The reaction in Silicon Valley is that of shock and awe.

(mr. ellison can't wait to see how this suit plays out)

(mr. ellison extended his life to see the suit play out)

Larry Ellison, Oracle CEO and longtime Apple proponent, said he was not surprised “I’m not surprised. It’s just a shame Steve Jobs isn’t here to see this. It’s what he’d have wanted. I’m working on technology to extend my life so I can live long enough just to watch this battle.” Apple’s move may be the first in a series of similar self-lawsuits.

Sources said Sergei Brin and Larry Paige are discussing whether or not they should pursue the same course of action against themselves and Google. Calls to Samsung and Facebook were not immediately returned, but Mark Zuckerberg reportedly took an unplanned trip to Switzerland with his new wife, a goat and 17 suitcases loaded with cash and little blue “thumbs up” stress reliever squishies.

(do you like this? I hope you do)

(do you like this? I hope you do)

Reports located Al Gore in a Mexican airport en route to Panama where he keeps a compound once owned by drug lord Manuel Noriega. He recently resigned from his seat on the Apple board. Some say his timing was too close to the announcement of the lawsuit to be a councidence, and he is likely named in the lawsuit.

(al gore was last seen in a mexican airport)

(al gore was last seen in a mexican airport)

If all goes according to plan, trials will begin within a few months, qualifying for fast-track treatment under a new Obama bill signed into law September 19, 2012.

Calls to Federal and Circuit courts were not returned, likely due to confidentiality of the case, but an anonymous source within Federal District Court said he believed it would be near impossible to recruit jurors given the exposure this case has received. “We’ll be looking for people in the woods of Montana, Idaho and Colorado that have never heard of Apple. They are our only chance for an unbiased jury selection.” Calls to the White House were not returned.

“We’ve basically sued the pants off of everyone and my team is unstoppable. There’s no one left to sue. We’re looking forward to representing both plaintiff and defendant in this case to see just how good we are. Personally, I think we are brilliant and we will triumph no matter the outcome.” Sewell said.

[I made this story up. if you believed it, please call the apple jury hotline at 212-660-2245. no, really, call.]

(i wanted the onion to publish this article but they wouldn't respond to me)

(i wanted the onion to publish this article but they wouldn’t respond to me)


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